1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day, tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines; I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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3. I would have explained it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I will tell you how to get along without it.
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7. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he is not there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.
9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem (I say this a lot).
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “where the heck is the ceiling?”
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11. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
12. I don’t suffer from stress, I’m a carrier.
13. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
14. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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15. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to there level.
Lool Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
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