So INSIDERasked New York Citymatchmaker Nora DeKeyser of Three Day Rule to share some of the most important things she's learned about finding love and making it last. Here's what she had to say.
1. Look at yourself first
It's fine to have a 'checklist' of qualities you desire in a potential matejust remember that you need to be the kind of person who will actually attract your fictitious dream partner.
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"Aquestion that most people unintentionally ignore is: Do I personally live up to the expectations that I have for someone else? And often the answer is no," DeKeyser said."It is easy to come up with a list of 'must-haves' in a partner, but it is a lot harder to turn that list around and judge yourself. If you are not passionate about your life, how are you going to attract someone who is? If you are not living your life true to your values, how are you going to attract someone who does?"
The solution? Taketime to workon yourself, DeKeyser explained. Strive to bemore like thekind of person you want to attract.
2. Remember that looks fade
You already know that looks don't last,so don't let them dictate your search for a long-term partner.
"When a client tells me his or her physical 'musts,' I like to use the analogy of friends," DeKeyser said."Think about your three best friends at work. They probably all look extremely different, but they all have qualities in common that you choose to surround yourself with humor, intellect, empathy, altruism, honesty whatever it is that you enjoy."
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When you're searching for a romantic partner, think about searching for those qualities you enjoy not just blonde hair or guys taller than6 feet.
"You will be surprised at the way your heart can teach your brain to become attracted to someone," DeKeyser said. "Look at that person's soul. If you like it, hold onto it."
3. Dont force marriage
"In American society, we have an idea of the right age to get married . But just because you have been dating someone for four years, and you are 31 years old, does not mean that you need to get married," DeKeyser said.
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The bottom line: Trust your gut. If you're not ready to get married, don't. You could be saving your future self from a world of trouble.
"I meet people every day whohave gone through endless paychecks settling nasty divorces," DeKeyser said. "If [marriage]doesnt feel right, its not right. Don't settle."
4. When you find love, work at it
DeKeyser has found that the hardest part of dating, by far, is finding someone you trulyconnect with.So ifyou do you find that kind of person, don't let him or her go even when the going gets rough.
"The honeymoon phase will fade, there will be habits and idiosyncrasies that annoy you about your partner but no one is perfect," she said. "If you are lucky enough to find love, do everything you can to keep it. Compromise, communicate, and be honest.Be humble enough to accept that you arent perfect, and be loving enough to work on a solution."
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